Strategies for effective relationship building & maintenance

I consider our ability to form relationships with others as one of the most important SKILLS we can possess. Not only is it a skill, but it is also paramount towards our emotional wellbeing and sense of belonging.

"You are the average of the five people you spend the most time with." - Jim Rohn, motivational speaker and mentor to Tony Robbins

#1: Find Common Ground

I learned about this at length from Adam Grant's book, Think Again . In it, he discusses how

common ground creates the environment for meaningful connection with others. Do you ever feel that it was easier to make friends when you were a kid? You are not alone. Think back to when you were growing up. Many of your friends were people you met at school who liked doing the same things you did. This is a perfect example of common ground. "I like Legos, you like Legos, let's build a Lego city together!" And then after a month of recesses you become best friends. It is only when we grow up that we decide we have additional criteria for what it means to be friends. This additional criteria creates space for blind and/or rash judgement towards others. I find that a good solution to this in relationship building is strategy #2.

#2: Treat other people how they want to be treated

Look at the title of this section and read it again. This is not the popularized 'Golden Rule'. This takes additional effort. The 'Golden Rule' is a good place to start (treat people how you want to be treated), but it is not the best solution out there. This is because each person has

their own standards regarding wellbeing and communication. However, if you start with the 'Golden Rule' it is important to use this rule by how you WANT to be treated and not how you are treated. This simple distinction can be the difference between connection and contempt bred from jealousy. If you are able to abide by this, people will gravitate towards you and reciprocate. If you are able to take the next step towards strategy #2, people will not only reciprocate but appreciate you. This has the potential to establish a ripple effect among your friends and colleagues and establish a better community for all. You are living intentionally by doing this and setting the standard with the new friend from the beginning. Thus, successfully implementation of this strategy can lead to healthy long-term relationships as well.

#3: Establish regular times to catch up with friends

Now, do not check you calendar before you read this section. That will only invite stress. Rather identify key friends that you want to be regularly connected to and ask 'How' not 'When'. For some friends this could mean texting, video calls, or for others going on a trip together or visiting one another in person. Regardless of the method, most of us get caught

up in our daily lives to no fault of our own and forget about the people in our lives that we do not see daily. Additionally, it may be important to change your definition of what a friend means. Through changing my relationship with time via a personal manifesto (a key part of my coaching program as well), and meeting more people from around the world as I get older, I find that a one-hour phone call with an old friend can be enough. This is because I set the expectation with the friend by helping them see down the road. If I talk to someone for one hour every year for the next thirty years, I would consider that a pretty fruitful friendship. Now, you may have your own expectations and that is fine and good. The key message to convey here is the expectation between you and your friend. Say it directly and keep each other accountable. This is much easier to do when the stakes are well-defined.

#4: Back your relationships with research

What this means is to learn and understand how your relationships with key people in your life may change over time. For example, growing up you may see your parents as only your parents. They provide for you when you cannot provide for yourself. They have unconditional love for you (hopefully) and at the end of the day you only know them through their interactions with you. When you get older, you may notice your perception on the relationship changing to more of a peer level. You may discuss things with them that you could not growing up or get to know them by observing their interactions with others and what others tell you about them. You will shake off the infallible façade you may have given them as a child.

Furthermore, time is a finite resource and as our time gets filled with other things and other people, our relationships change as well. Here is a good graphic that displays this:

From this, you can see that you spend the most time alone in your life so you better darn like yourself! This is where introspection and reflection are key to good mental health. Also, your partner is second-largest consumer of your time and thus you must be selective when finding a life partner because "you are the average of the five people you spend the most time with".

~ BE SELF-AWARE! SET HEALTHY BOUNDARIES! YOU GOT THIS! ~